Consider the photo on the right. That image creeps me the fsck out. The Family Values Party started a war and sent this kid's dad to Iraq. The Marine Reserves tried to fill the void with a cut-out likeness. That's right. He's being raised by a piece of cardboard.

The cut-outs are called "flat daddies." In Maine, a military family may request a free cardboard daddy to serve as a surrogate parent while carbon-based daddy blows up brown people in Iraq. It's reported that some kids take flat daddies to school. You know, I tried that after Mr. Nesbitt demanded to see my parents. It doesn't work, kids. If the military really cared about its families, they'd hire an actor to listen with feigned concern as a teacher curses out a soldier's kid.