Dungeons and Dragons - Children Posted by Jeff (Thursday August 19 2004 @ 09:25PM EDT)

Remember Dungeons and Dragons? That was the game the Fundies claimed would turn us into witches and warlocks. I wish! Truth be known we never tapped the supernatural. Truth be known, Dungeons and Dragons made us gay. For me it began in the tumultuous decade known as the 1980s. The pet rock had come and gone and Pookieman was still just a blip on the RADAR screen. Me, Monz and Krazy played Dungeons and Dragons. We enjoyed it because it tickled the intellect. It's not like we were a bunch of stinkin' geeks with no lives or something. Well, maybe just Monz. He was the Dungeon Master. Krazy and I had cool characters with enchanting Medieval names. His was Krazy Train and mine was Jeffy Ramone. Our characters were chaotic evil which meant they got to r4p3 and pillage. Why bother playing this stupid game if you can't r4p3 and pillage? Monz created a ranger class just for us. The bestest, goodiest, two-shoesiest rangers were known as Palladins. We were Hellions. That meant we were self-centered unruly drunks. Hellions are only out for themselves. They'll run down your grandmother for a gold dubloon. They do not recognize social order. Dungeon Master: You enter a musty room. Inside you find an ancient alter.... Jeffy Ramone: I cheap-shot Krazy Train while he's not looking. Krazy Train: You dick! [a fight ensues] One day I had to be Dungeon Master. The best way to describe that role in today's parlance is "designated driver." You pretty much have to keep it together while everyone around you r4p3s and pillages. Actually I devoted some effort and prepared a dungeon. What the hell? I figured my next turn would be during the 1990s. God help us if we're still sitting in Krazy's basement playing Dungeons and Dragons. One of the items I had prepared was a Deck of Many Things. I mapped a spell to each card. Truth be known, I used a pinochle deck so there would be fewer cards to map. Dungeon Master: A beam of light illuminates a podium in the middle of the room. (They were in a stinkin' dungeon. I don't know where the beam of light came from. This is my first Dungeon; bear with me.) Upon the podium you find a deck of cards. Krazy Train: I pick a card! Dungeon Master: You suddenly find yourself attracted to all the male members of your party.... Krazy Train: They're all male members. What the hell does that mean? (Krazy was correct. The room was comprised of a bunch of guys playing D&D in his parents' basement.) Dungeon Master: It made you gay. The card had a spell that made you gay. Now you're a stinkin' homo! Krazy Train: You dick! [a fight ensues] Later the party encountered a Storm Giant. They weren't supposed to encounter a Storm Giant. I grew tired of detailing the map with D&D things. In a far corner, in an area they weren't supposed to enter, in an area that had NO bearing on the narrative, I stuck a Storm Giant. As it turns out, that was the one area they wanted to explore. I tried to discourage them. The party insisted. They wanted to enter that sector like it was Yankee Stadium on Free Bl0w J0b Night. "And now for your seventh-inning entertainment..." Dungeon Master: Well it's a Storm Giant. Are you happy? You encountered a fscking Storm Giant. Krazy Train: Why would you put a Storm Giant in there? Dungeon Master: Why did you insist on going there? I told you not to go there. Krazy Train: I figured you discouraged us as part of the story. Dungeon Master: I wasn't in my dungeon master voice. (It's true, my deep teenage voice was my dungeon master voice. My normal teenage voice was my Don't Go In The Storm Giant's Lair voice.) I pretty much told you not to go there. Krazy Train: Fine. Dungeon Master: Fine! The thing about Storm Giants is they're nasty kick-ass guys who always seem like they had a bad breakfast. It didn't take long until our party of Hellions was on death's door. Their hit points were down. They were bleeding in the snow. It seemed certain they were doomed. Krazy Train: I bl0w him Dungeon Master: Excuse me? Krazy Train: I'm gay, remember? So I bl0w him. Dungeon Master: The Storm Giant is most pleased with this unexpected turn of events... Thus Krazy Train survived. He later opened a bar on the lower west side of the dungeon, down in the meat packing district. C&C Music Company put on the groove and the Storm Giant slept for twenty years. Protective armor gave way to tight leather and a handle bar mustache. He retired on profits from the ecstasy trade. We became a little wiser and a little older. Our D&D characters got torched in a grain alcohol fire. (More on that later) Nobody transformed into a worlock -- or, in our case, a witch. The Fundies had nothing to worry about. D&D didn't come close to turning us into to spell-casting demons of the netherworld who drank virgin's blood and stomped on puppies. Some people make much ado about nothing.

< WWJVF? | My Congressional Flame War Continues >

By Lord Byron Sanders (Friday August 20 2004 @ 08:13AM EDT)

Now I know why Jeff never said anything when ktoab used to heckle me for admitting to playing D&D when I was a teenager. He just kept quiet, probably smirking in his cube all the while reminiscing about the grand days of fighting minotaurs and casting spells. On the note of turning into demons and worshipping the devil: My mother was convinced that all of this stuff was going to happen to us and that we might (as others and been purported to do) actually consider killing ourselves when our characters died. It got to the point that we actually were not supposed to play anymore. So....we concocted a plan that required my brother and I to leave the game materials out over night and for our friend who lived down the street to come and "steal" the materials. Gaming switched to his house and I'm glad to say that even though our characters are dead my brother and I are not. Geez, we must have been hard up for fun.

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By The Pragmatist (Friday August 20 2004 @ 08:28AM EDT)

"life points"?? You *must* have been playing GAY D&D. D&D, AD&D, Chainmail, Ysgarth, Traveler, etc. furnished endless hours of fun in middle and high school. We coopted our Physics and Math teachers and spent a lot of study hall time playing in their rooms. Managing the Dungeon Master / Gamer Master responsibilites for all of these prompted me to purchase my first PC -- with a disk drive! It was a C-64 of course. Although since the math teacher was also the computer teacher we used the TRS-80s to program dice rolls and table lookups. We renamed it the TSR-80 afterwards. If you don't get the joke then I can only concluded you wasted the best years of your youth.

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By Jeff (Friday August 20 2004 @ 09:47AM EDT) Re: life points This may surprise you, but I went with the assumption that most Blog Day readers won't get your joke. I invented "life points" to indicate that our Hellions had nearly expended their gaming lives... [ reply | parent ]

By The Pragmatist (Friday August 20 2004 @ 09:55AM EDT) well, that certainly clears things up. [ reply | parent ]

By Spaniard (Friday August 20 2004 @ 09:43AM EDT)

What the hell...? I didn't realize I typed in www.bloggheyafternoon.com.

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By Jeff (Friday August 20 2004 @ 10:49AM EDT) Just for the Spaniard: Ghey Spiderman [ reply | parent ]

By The Pragmatist (Friday August 20 2004 @ 01:37PM EDT)

On the subject of fantasy role-playing. The political-independent and highly credible CIA will be coming out with a report next month that projects what Iraq's weapons systems would have looked like in 2008.

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