TV puts a thought in my head that I can't seem to shake. "I must be the only guy in America who can still get a b0ner." I can't watch fifteen minutes of television without encountering an ad for "natural male enhancement." Spokesmen for Enzyte™, Cialis™, and Viagra™ are all concerned for the status of my John Thomas. Personally, I resent the assumption that my little soldier can't spring to attention. Are sagging limbs really this common? Last week, I gained some insight into this very matter.
On Thursday we saw Super Size Me, a movie inspired by a frivolous lawsuit. Two girls sued McDonald's for turning them into a pair of Sweaty Betties. The presiding judge threw out the complaint after the pair failed to demonstrate that McDonald's actually damaged their health. Morgan Spurlock, the producer, director and guinea pig of Super Size Me, decided to test the unproven assertion. He would eat nothing but McDonald's food for an entire month.
Before the experiment, Spurlock was examined by three doctors who found him in perfect health. By the end of his first week, he had gained ten pounds. By the end of the month, he had gained nearly thirty pounds. His cholesterol had sky rocketed and he was moody and lethargic. According to doctors, he pickled his liver as though he had been on a long drinking bender. But the real measure of decline was not provided by his doctors. It was provided by his girlfriend. (Note to conservatives: Spurlock and his girlfriend co-habitate outside of marriage. If they were the same sex, then this would be acceptable. But they are different sexes! You may stop reading now. Liberals carry on...)
Halfway through the experiment, his girlfriend was interviewed. She provided an answer to the question posed in paragraph one. (For memory-challenged pot smokers that question was: "Are sagging limbs really this common?") With just fifteen extra pounds Morgan had difficultly answering the call. His sinful girlfriend had to coax his little soldier to attention. Even then, she had to ride on top. Girlfriend claimed to notice a difference. At this point, Spurlock was slightly overweight. Those extra pounds would have scored his body mass index at 25.7. A person is deemed overweight once their BMI climbs between 25.0 and 29.9. Since the majority of Americans age twenty-five and older are now overweight, the proliferation of b0ner pills suddenly makes sense. Ten-hut!
