April 16, 2004 - Week In Review Posted by Jeff (Friday April 16 2004 @ 12:00AM EDT)

During his biennial news conference, the President was asked to name his biggest mistake. To stall for time, he quipped, "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it." After a summation of his claims of virtuoso presidentship, Bush concluded: "I hope I - I don't want to sound like I've made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't - you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." Funny. I can't think of anything he hasn't fucked up... In Shanghai this week, President Cheney selected the next target in the War on Everything. Addressing a question in regard to America's perception of China as a threat, Cheney said of the Sino-United States relationship, "with the right kind of leadership there's no reason why we should perceive each as threats in the future." To a follow-up question, Cheney responded, "No. Bush and I have no plans to step down. Why do you ask?" News of a startling discovery by Iowa scientists caused such a commotion that Jonathan Wilson lost his job this week. Just as the Iowa legislature was about to consider the merit of Wilson's application, it was discovered that gay people have an agenda. In an instant, Wilson was transformed from aspiring job applicant to a weird-o homo out to impose a faggot agenda. On Wednesday morning, there were exactly three people in the entire Arab world who did not hate the United States. Determined to improve his standing in the Middle East, President Bush vowed to do something about that. He granted Ariel Sharon all items in his unilateral "peace" plan. Bush guaranteed Israel would not have to withdraw from all the land it siezed in the Arab-Israeli War. He also rejected a claimed Palestinian "right of return" to Israel. A fat Sharon could hardly contain himself. "They were dealt a lethal blow," he gloated.

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