The length of the ark [shall be] three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

Thus Noah and his family prepared to build an Ark that measured 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Its total volume was 1,518,000 cubic feet. At the onset of construction, Noah pondered the monstrosity he was required to make. He would need a year to cut down the necessary trees and another five years to lug them back to the house. Without the benefit of a ship-building yard, construction would be almost impossible. Technical hurdles were cleared with ease. Noah simply omitted them from the story. The finished ark was an impressive sight. The boat caused quite a stir in an otherwise quiet suburban enclave. Its long shadow killed the rhododendrons next door. Runoff as a result of deforestation dramatically reduced local property values. "This is a god damn big ark," Noah told the Lord. "What should I do with it?"

And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every [sort] shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep [them] alive with thee; they shall be male and female.

"Yeah, but ain't you gonna flood the earth with rain?" The question took the Lord aback. He inquired as to how Noah learned of the Flood since they had not covered it yet. "It's in the Bible." God conceded that Noah's pre-King James version of the Holy Bible was indeed correct. He would open the heavens for forty days. "Well," said Noah, "won't all that fresh water kill the ocean dwellers?" A miracle, said the Lord unto Noah, would prevent that occurrence. "Ah," said Noah, "and since 72% of all Americans believe in miracles, it must be true."

The good Jew and his family finished a vessel that made the Great Pyramids seem like chump change. Whereas the Egyptians made the mistake of employing thousands of Egyptians, Noah kept his Herculean undertaking inside the family: Goldberg and Sons. (Women didn't work back then. As good as the 1950s were, the 4000 BCs were even better.) Shem hammered, Ham sawed, Japheth planed while Noah kept creditors at bay until the flood could wipe them out.

As the Goldberg monstrosity neared its completion, the ark drew not a few stares from neighbors and building inspectors. Noah likely would have been served a summons, but nobody could make it through the 3,080,000,000 animals on his front lawn. Once it was finished, Goldberg and Sons shoved the animals aboard. It was no easy task as the Ark provided just .0004928 square feet per animal. But brute force and a space organizer from Sears allowed poor Noah to get two of each species aboard his boat. The Lord watched the progress and declared it good. He then proceeded to drown the heathens who had caved to the allure of ingrained survival traits such as lust, gluttony and greed.

"Um, Lord?" YES, Noah? "Yeah, well, the critters are complaining of hunger. How long must I keep these things upon the boat?" Until the heathens are dead, he was told. "Well many of the heathens are clinging to floating debris. I'm afraid they won't die until after the their food runs out. That will be long after my own food supply runs out." Scientist believe this was the moment of the dinosaurs' demise.