I Mean Business - Blog Day Afternoon Posted by Jeff (Monday March 08 2004 @ 10:26PM EST)

My first job after college was in the Accounts Payable department of a company that produced print advertisements. It was located in the Chelsea district of Manhattan a few blocks from where Sid Vicious overdosed on heroin. Surprisingly, many of my coworkers were familiar with my alma mater, a small Division II college with a pretty good football team. "Oh, Millersville? I hear they have a great business department." If that's true, then I'd hate to see a bad business department. The biggest fsck ups I knew were business majors. They were the people who kept the taverns busy on Wednesday nights. During four years of college, I had two business courses. Both were easy As. But despite good marks, nothing from either class prepared me for the business world. For example, once a professor presented material, he moved on to the next lesson. In the real world, the meeting continues until the dumbest person in the room gets it. Sometimes the dumbest person has self contained conversations: "Okay, let me just repeat this for my own benefit..." You can't do that in the bathroom? Another flaw in business curriculum was this: Instructors seemed to possess a genuine respect for their chosen profession. In the real world, business types keep taverns busy on Wednesday nights; and they hang Dilbert cartoons on their walls. This phenomena can only be explained in one of two ways, business types are too stupid to know that Dilbert lampoons their profession or they've achieved Hubris Level Ten, i.e., they think Scott Adams is making fun of other business types, not them. Hint: He's making fun of you. Despite inadequate collegian guidance, I managed to learn the most important lesson in the business world: How not to kill yourself during a PowerPoint presentation. Allow me to impart my wisdom. When you're sitting in an auditorium and the presenter is reading exactly what is on the slide and he's invoking moveable graphics that were maybe interesting when he was alone in his office, the way not to kill yourself is this: Don't take a gun to the meeting. It is a lot easier to avoid suicide when you have no lethal weapons. And no. You can't commit suicide by holding your breath. I tried, it doesn't work.

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By kevin the one-armed boy (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 07:03AM EST)

Thank you for summarizing why I flushed a 15 year corporate career down the toilet to go into business for myself.

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By Jeff (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 07:15AM EST) Let me just repeat this for my benefit. "You flushed a 15 year corporate career down the toilet to go into business for yourself?" [ reply | parent ]

By doctordoug (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 07:37AM EST) Was it really a 15 year career or more like 14 years and some months.... It is important how we measure things. [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 08:19AM EST) I can't start without a request number. With a formal request, I can begin the process of filling out forms, a statement of work, an estimate of labor, a Microsloth Project plan, a risk analysis check list and several matrices. Most of which will never be read by another human being, but they do force dumb ass corporate drones like myself to consider a process before "diving into something." You'll get your answer in six months. [ reply | parent ]

By kevin the one-armed boy (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 12:02PM EST) I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Even when I agree with you there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Alas, it's just not meant to be. [ reply | parent ]

By Miss Ginger (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 08:46AM EST)

Are you guys corresponding on company time? Who authorized this??

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By doctordoug (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 09:00AM EST) Certainly not.... 45 seconds to type a response would require 3 hours of paper work to authorize it. [ reply | parent ]

By Anonymous (Tuesday March 09 2004 @ 02:02PM EST)

guns aren't the only way people commit suicide. Don't forget shoe laces, knives, gas (personal and from a pump), running into a brick wall (which I might add is more fun than reading this blog), jumping off a building, etc. BTW Scott Adams is making fun of me? The b@st@rd

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By Hy-Brasil (Sunday May 23 2004 @ 02:11AM EDT)

Dilbert is my hero. He tells it like it is.

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