Last week I had to endure the dreaded EBS beep. "For the next sixty seconds this station plans to annoy the shit out of you..." BWAAAAAAAAAAWWWHHHHHP!
Is it necessary to go on for an entire minute? It takes the average person - what? - maybe three seconds to tune in a different station. Morons require maybe another two seconds. Pot smokers take longer. By the time they realize music turned into a beep, its back to music again. But given the Federal government's bang-up job in the War On Drugs, there shouldn't be any pot smokers left to notify. Right? I mean, I don't know anybody who smokes marijuana. Plus, if pot smokers never notice the beep, do you really think they'll be phased by the warning message? They don't count in this equation. That means the beep is too long.
In your entire life, have you ever heard an EBS beep that wasn't a test? Maybe I wouldn't be so quick to switch stations if these people gave me an emergency every once in a while. Did anybody hear the EBS beep on September 11th? Howard Stern switched to coverage of the disaster but the god damn EBS beep never stepped up and said anything. If you're not going to sound the alarm when people are intentionally flying airplanes into buildings, then do you really ever plan to give us a beep that matters?
Frankly, I'd settle for worthwhile public service announcements. Imagine this: You're driving down I-95 in New Jersey and the beep comes on, BWAAAAAAAAAAWWWHHHHHP! "Attention motorists. Be on the lookout for a Volkswagon Cabrio filled with ditsy blonds. It was last spotted between exits 6 and 7. The girls are pressing ham. Carry on."
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Actually I had intended the ditsy blonds to "poach eggs" rather than press ham. But the phrase "poached eggs" no longer means what it did when I was young. POACHED EGGS: Ejaculatory remnants floating in a hot tub that have coagulated and foamed in the bubbles. You see? That wouldn't have made much sense...
