January 23, 2004 - Week In Review Posted by Jeff (Thursday January 22 2004 @ 11:41PM EST)

According to a report released this week, fat chicks are HIGH MAINTENANCE. The paper, commissioned by the Centers for Disease Control, ascertained that the United States spent 75 billion dollars last year in a vain attempt to keep obese people healthy. The study, which focused on the economics of large asses concluded that American taxpayers picked up more than half that tab, or 39 billion dollars. Your share was $175.00. Ponder that the next time you see a big bundle in stirrup pants and an oversized sweater scrarfing down a Cinnabon. Washington was awash in new fashion for the President's State of the Union Address this week. Many of last year's hot trends are now passé. Remember Weapons of Mass Destruction? You might as well wear a mullet. Weapons of Mass Destruction Related Program Activities are now the rage. Osama bin Laden? Gone like a pair of discarded earth shoes. The war on terror no longer concerns that leisure suit... NASA and its rover are apparently no longer on speaking terms. Spirit took off for the nearest rock this week and hasn't been heard from since. NASA issued several commands. They even repeated same command twice. Nothing. Spirit just kept rolling in silence. Like the saying goes, how can you keep them down on the farm after they've seen Gusev Crater? Howard Dean nearly soiled himself in a post-caucus speech in Iowa this week. Compared to Truman just one too many times, he shrieked, "Okay, I'll say it. Truman was too much of a pussy-whip to push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China!" He continued, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Violence shook Iraq this week. On Sunday a car bomb exploded outside a coalition headquarters. The blast killed 31 and injured another 120 people. A second wave of violence claimed nine others on Wednesday. After eight months of Iraqiazation, the policy has finally achieved its desired effect. The Middle Eastern country has entered the next phase of Westernization. They've achieved "Baltimore."

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