Warren Sapp's Big Ugly Sisters - Fat People Posted by Jeff (Monday September 29 2003 @ 09:19PM EDT)

A couple years ago, Bryan and I were in San Jose on business. On Friday night, we caught a red eye across the continent. During a layover in Las Vegas, we decided to bet ten dollars in a slot machine at the airport. A typical one-armed bandit pays eighty-eight cents for every dollar bet. If you run ten dollars through a slot machine once, you're left with $8.80. Run it through a second time and your down to $7.75. Repeat the exercise eighteen times and your ten dollars becomes seventy-five cents. Unfortunately I hit for 35.00 on my fourth quarter. I didn't have the patience to run it through another 31 times, so I just kept the money. It was the high water mark of the evening. At midnight we boarded a flight for the East coast. With forty-four dollars in quarters rattling in my suitcase, I worked my way down the aisle and followed numbers on the overhead rack. A large black man caught my attention. I thought, "Man, that looks like Warren Sapp.". Behind him were three large people whose appearance resembled his own. Behind those chubbies sat two extremely large black women, one at the aisle and one at the window. In theory there was an empty seat between them. Guess who that was assigned to? I glanced at my ticket then back at the seat. "Fuck!" I looked around with anxious eyes; the airplane was booked solid. The situation called for protest as the grusome twosome spilled all over the seat my company had reserved for me. Try as they might Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-rashonda were not going to slim down in thirty seconds. Yet I said nothing and resigned myself to fate. Had I been tempored by years of politically correct propaganda? Or would they might play the race card? "You're only saying we're spilling into your seat 'cos we're black!" Would Warren Sapp might kick my ass? I can't explain my mousiness. "Um, excuse me." Tweedle-rashonda glanced up without actually moving her head. Rolls of fat limited all motion of her head, neck, arms, hands, fingers, back, ass, knees, feet... you get the point. "I believe that's my seat" I said with much trepidation. Her eyes rolled in annoyance as though I had asked for her seat. But that was the problem, half of her body was in my chair. In order to grant me access, she moved the one part of the planet that didn't stand in my way. She pulled her feet in. I stood there like the butt of a joke. She could pull her feet to the row behind her, you could oil me down like a boy-toy in a leather club and I still had no chance to squeeze into my seat. She simply had to move. But I believe it was Newton who said, "A large, fat, black woman at rest, tends to remain on her super-sized rear." It took a message from the captain in which he implored people to take their seats, before she began the laborious process known as standing the fuck up. Even with Bessy on hoof in the aisle, I had difficulty orbitting the planet. At the end of a long business day, that airline seat felt better than a happy ending. With just one member of the gruesome twosome beside me I thought, "This ain't so bad." Then an eclipse blocked out the sun. Tweedle-rashonda completed an oreo cookie. But her girth sqeezed all the white shit out. At that point I prairie dogged over the heads around me. There wasn't a single empty seat on the plane. Did you ever remain perfectly motionless for six and a half hours? When we finally "unboarded" or whatever it is that the airlines label getting the hell off the plane, I noticed Warren Sapp was indeed seated two seats in front of me. When I met Bryan on the concourse, I told him that I didn't sleep a wink. "Really, I slept fine," he said. "Why didn't you sleep?" I told him about Warren Sapp's two big ugly sisters. "Really?? Warren Sapp was on the plane? Where is he?" So much for sympathy.... Recently Southwest Airlines initiated a controversial program known as Charging People For Each Seat They Occupy. I believe this policy is correct and just. Believe it or not, fat people aren't thrilled with it at all. Used to flying half-price, they're upset with the rate hike. The NAAFA, National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is a support group and lobbying organization that serves as a "national legal clearinghouse for attorneys challenging size discrimination." You can read their policy protest here.

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By kevin the one-armed boy (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 06:52AM EDT)

Our local rag ran a 5 or 6 parter on some fat hag who loved food more than life. We were fed stories intended to make us weep with sympathy because this pig couldn't back away from the the table without finishing her pie. At one point she was bemoaning the fact that she was too huge to be a proper mother to her 5 year old daughter. This was offset by her quote "I want to lose weight but I love my potato chips". You want my sympathy? Eat a carrot and take a walk. Welcome to the United States of Enabling. Maybe the National Association to Advance Drunk Acceptance can champion larger barf bags on airplanes.

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By doctordoug (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 08:12AM EDT)

I remember a similar situation. I was seated between a husband and wife who joked about the fact that they where too fat to sit beside each other.

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By Tom (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 08:45AM EDT)

De-planing is the term for exiting the craft. They de-ice (hopefully) before boarding and de-plane at the end. If you're lucky, they'll skip the de-pressurizing and the de-scent in the middle. A helpful mnenomic is Tattoo.

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By Cher (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 11:52AM EDT)

The issue of morbid obesity in this country seems to touch almost every aspect of life. The Times ran an article on Sunday about Goliath Casket, a manufacturer of oversize coffins. "There one can see a triple-wide coffin — 44 inches across, compared with 24 inches for a standard model. With extra bracing, reinforced hinges and handles, the triple-wide is designed to handle 700 pounds without losing what the euphemism-happy funeral industry calls its "integrity."" They ship 4 to 5 oversize models a month, which is up from one a year in the late 80s. So, how do you tell a family that they need an oversize coffin? "Mr. King said the weight issue had given rise to a new euphemism. "We say, `Mom's not going to look comfortable in that casket,' " he said. "The family knows we mean, `Mom won't fit.' " Cemetary owners are also struggling because they plot cemetaries for standard size coffins. Even digging the grave and finding a larger hearse becomes an issue. Nothing the market can't fix, but the costs for the larger casket, embalming, and burying are high.

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By Tom (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 11:59AM EDT) Anyone got a light? [ reply | parent ]

By Joe (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 12:33PM EDT) Fat chicks are hot! [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 12:43PM EDT) It certainly wasn't nice and breezy between Warren Sapp's to big ugly sisters... [ reply | parent ]

By Joe (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 01:27PM EDT) I have only scanned this Blog briefly but you appear to be obsessed with weight. Were you fat as a kid? Whatz the deal potato peel? [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 02:15PM EDT) I was obsessed with weight. I was 6'0" tall and I wrestled 119. On days of the match, I carried around a tennis ball can and deposited all my saliva in it so that I'd make weight that evening. Wrestling is a fscking stoopid sport.... With regard to fat kids: I grew up in the 70s. The fat kid then would not be considered the fat kid now. Consider Engleberg of the Bad News Bears. He was supposed to be the fat kid. He looks pretty "normal" now. [ reply | parent ]

By Funkman (Tuesday September 30 2003 @ 01:04PM EDT) I love the trickle down effect of a larger coffin. WIth a larger coffin, your ned a larger hearse. You also might need a different backhoe to make the scooping easy. Since people pre-buy plots in advance, they may need to buy a new larger plot instead. The re-plotters are going to make a killing on that. Dead people will be the life blood of the next economy. [ reply | parent ]

By Save The Ales (Sunday November 07 2004 @ 11:49PM EST)

all i can say is that it is a real shame that anyone would feel the way that this man has felt towards these ladies. how do you sleep at night? when it comes to the day of the lord what do you think he will say about these ladies? "enter in thy faithful and humble servants". maybe you should pray sir, you know nothing is to big for christ, i really hope he doesnt tell you "depart i knew you not". you are worthy of forgiveness because of christ and calvary. maybe you should read your bible, start with the book of john and acts 2,38. christ can free you from anything, even evil thoughts toward innocent humans.

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By Jeff (Friday December 03 2004 @ 11:21PM EST) I think you strayed out of Jesus Land. Take a right at D.C. Alabama is due south. [ reply | parent ]

By Bush Lite (Friday February 18 2005 @ 06:57PM EST) jeff, all land is jesus land, not just alabama. you must live in the state of confusion, so sorry to hear about that. open up your bible and be in the right state of mind, body, and soul. jesus loves you anyway, he sees you as the final product which he created. he doesnt see all the other garbage you go through and do. [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Monday February 21 2005 @ 08:42AM EST) I had a bible once. Chapter one was in dire need of an update. Most guide books issue standard revisions that keep pace with scientific and technological discovery and enhancement. Maybe the pope ought to fire his current publisher? [ reply | parent ]

By Wakk Zylde (Friday March 11 2005 @ 10:59PM EST)

What is your obsession with fat women anyway? I think you need to come to terms with your attraction to big girls instead of trying to prove what a "man" you are by bashing them. If you don't, I predict that you will be browsing in a sex shop looking for BBW blow-up dolls before the year is out, if you don't have one already. All the while claiming that you only like thin women.

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