Weeknights after dinner, I read New York Jets articles. Now that training camp is in session, I devour five New York metropolitan newspapers ... because ... this stuff ... is ... important ... somehow... Well it's important to me. I give the Jets $1500.00 a year so I want to see what they're doing with my money.
Tonight I saw something disturbing. During the off-season, the Jets experienced a new strength and conditioning program. It was created by John Lott, a man who's coached a slew olympic gold medalists and world record holders. To demonstrate the program's success, Lott rattled off some of the marks achieved by the football team. Quarterback Chad Pennington bench pressed over 300 pounds. Penn State boy, Kareem McKenzie, clean lifted 385 pounds four times. Santana Moss bench pressed 275 pounds four times.
HOLD ON!
Santana Moss is a stinkin' midget and he can bench press 275 pounds? This was completely emasculating. I'm way bigger than Santana Moss and I can't bench 275 pounds. This was my benchpress this evening: 110x12, 120x10, 130x8, 140x6, 150x4. When I get 150, I can't imagine another FEATHER on the bar let alone another 125 more pounds. Maybe it's time for me to just get a purse and join the ghey community.
The problem with that idea is ghey guys are buff. You never see a beer-bellied ghey guy prancing around in leotards. You can't be light in the loafers if you've got a heavy caboose. "Did you know that John is ghey?" John is ghey? "Yeah, you didn't know that? He has to be ghey he can squat thrust 400 pounds."
Off the list...
- Playing wide reciever for the Jets.
- Joining the ghey community.
...hmmm. I'll bet the average lesbian doesn't bench press 275 pounds. Maybe I could be a lesbian. They like chicks, *I* like chicks. They don't want an erect penis in an orifice, *DITTO!* They think men are inconsiderate pigs, I'm an inconsiderate pig... Okay so the dyke thing is probably not going to work out either.
You know what? I'm just going to keep pushing myself. Weight training is filled with frustration but you don't get stronger unless you stick with it. Sure Santana Moss has his fancy schmancy John Lott to help him reach his potential, but if we ever enter a touch-the-ceiling-without-leaving-the-floor contest, then I'll KICK HIS ASS!!!
