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People Who P--- Me Off - Blog Day Afternoon
Posted by Jeff (Monday June 30 2003 @ 03:45PM EDT)
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Barry Bine is bald but he hides it poorly with a comb-over. With a preference for mechanized movement over self-propulsion, he putt-putt walks to and from the elevator. Putt-putt steps take a toll on footware. Floor and pavement can sand the soles. Barry Bine's shoes slant to the inside. For some reason, the outer soles have remained more or less intact.
Barry Bine putt-putts into the bathroom on shoes that slant to the outside. His locomotive engine follows the rails to the middle urinal. He always takes the middle urinal in a row of three. Barry Bine is an uncourteous urinater.
Ive watched him enter the bathroom only to discover all three urinals occupied. Rather then utilize the first available, he will wait for the middle unit. Since most men employ urinal etiquette and work from the outside in, the middle urinal is the last unit freed since it was the last unit occupied. No problem, Barry Bine waits. He waits because he is an uncourteous urinater and he pisses me off!
I used to work with Fat Paul. He dyed his hair yellow but it was greasiness that caught your eye. You are what you eat and Fat Paul ate deep-fried chicken from Long John Silvers every day of the week. Vernon and I charted his lunches once. We lost interest sometime after forty consecutive workdays. We lost our preoccupation, but Fat Paul did not lose his. As far as I know, he still eats deep-fried chicken from Long John Silvers. In the interest of investigative reporting, Vernon and I went to the source; we had lunch at Long John Silvers.
Vernon asked an Asian girl behind the counter if she knew Paul. Paul who? she responded. Vernon and I looked at each other and shrugged. As far as we knew, Paul was his last name. Hes got yellow hair, I said. Oh, yellow hair! Drive Bronco! We laughed. Number four. Every day he drive Bronco and order number four.
Now Fat Paul was ugly, greasy and slimy but at least he had yellow hair. In a world full of annoying people (myself included) those traits alone do not merit inclusion on this list. Fat Pauls crime was this: He talked too much. Some people, when they see you with a newspaper, think you are in need of companionship. To them, a newspaper is a tool to alleviate boredom. Whatcha reading the New York Times for? I read it every day. Yeah some weather were having
STFU! This is my single greatest pet peeve: casual acquaintances who talk to me whilst I read the paper. See these eyes? See them moving back and forth in an attempt to follow words on paper? Then shut up! If its not football season, then I am willing to sacrifice part of the paper. Here, do you want the sports section? But that doesnt always work. In the case of Fat Paul, hed read the fscking headlines, and then ask me to provide the details. Fat Paul still pisses me off.
Few people annoy me more than lottery players. A state lottery is basically a tax for people who cant do math. And while I enjoy this government-sanctioned exploitation of the stupid, the policy fails because it taxes non-players. Carl the Lottery Player pays in one-dollar increments, Joe Convenience Store Customer pays with his time. Joe has to wait in line while Carl handpicks his goddamn numbers.
B.F. Skinner demonstrated that animals do not require steady reinforcement to continue to peck at a plate, push a bar or fill out a lottery card. They only need occasional reinforcement. Most lotteries pay about one-third the odds of winning. This means that over time, you will lose 67% of every dollar you bet.
Larry Maloney liked to tell me about a old geezer who was "really good at picking lottery numbers." No, he's not, I said. "Oh yeah, he always wins. I've seen some of his winners." It's not about the winners, it's about the losers. He didn't show you all the losers. "Yeah, he's really good. He wins all the time. I'm telling you..." I like Larry Maloney, but he pisses me off for his efforts to perpetuate this fraud.
Andre Agassi lost today and that pisses me off, too. (Us old guys gotta stick together ;-)
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By Cher (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 06:47AM EDT)
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My selection: those who stop in a lane of traffic to let someone out of a parking lot or side street. This activity is called "obstructing a lane of traffic," and more importantly, it violates the cosmic law of driving: maximize your position at all time. I drive to work through single lane highway construction every day, and every day, I have to deal with some assclown who stops for the few cars on each exit ramp and brings the entire line of traffic to a halt. Just keep moving, douche.
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By Troda (Thursday July 03 2003 @ 08:29AM EDT)
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What about Aqua Socks?
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By Anonymous (Tuesday July 08 2003 @ 07:48AM EDT)
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Only a "ghey" guy would wear aqua sox.
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By Mark (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 07:06AM EDT)
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I don't like guys that wear man-clogs.
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By Jeff (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 07:21AM EDT)
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This is a bad time for you to start hating man-clogs. The man-clog industry has begun to cater to people just like you: Flatlanders!
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By Mark (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 07:59AM EDT)
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It appears that this is a photo of a slipper. I think I see a back on that shoe!
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By Suzi Q (Wednesday July 02 2003 @ 02:20PM EDT)
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I can see Jeffey Guy in some man clogs. If Liz or Lauren come out with man clogs, Jeff is sporting them. (but not with socks I hope)
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By Jeff (Thursday July 03 2003 @ 12:29AM EDT)
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If either one of those companies made clogs, then I could be assured that if I grabbed a pair made in my size, then they would fit and I wouldn't have to try them on first....
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By Bill (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 08:30AM EDT)
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PWPMO:
Those who drive around and wait for the closest possible parking spot to the store. Got some news for you, your fat arse needs the exercise, get out and walk a little, it (maybe) won't kill you. Also, by the time you finally make it into the store I'm on my way to the checkout.
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By kevin the one armed boy (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 09:18AM EDT)
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So I'm reading Jeff's post, specifically the Barry Bine bit, and I'm thinking "man, this sounds SO much like a guy I work with". Turns out it is the guy I work with - Jeff has just changed the name to cover his butt. Bear in mind that I didn't know Jeff when I started working at this company a few years ago.
Almost every trip I made to the bathroom included a sighting of this hulking figure fully engaged at the middle urinal. He never spoke or made eye contact which was OK. There was one other problem. He NEVER washed his hands. Wait, there were two problems. He was a frequent flyer at the ice machine. This meant he touched the community ice scoop several times a day with his horrible pee infested penis touching hands. A legend was born. Dumpy Fat Guy with Cheesy Penis Hands. DFG with CPH or just CPH for short. Imagine a small group of professionals yelling out "CPH" with alarming frequency and glee during the course of the day. We even put it music. Ceeeeee Peeeee Aytch!
I wish BB no ill will but I figure at the point where ice has melted in my water that has been contaminated by his wang juice it's open season.
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By Mark (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 09:40AM EDT)
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Any chance that that picture of fat paul is still floating around?
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By Jeff (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 11:22PM EDT)
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Unfortunately, we no longer have the Fat Paul picture, the action shot of him eating Long John's deep-fried chicken. Missing for this lurker shot is the complete absense of yellow hair. Like Funkman says to just about anything, "heh." I've gotta think Troda still has that video...
In all fairness there are two people in this picture, Fat Paul and a normal person. The reader is granted liberty to decide which is which.
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By Troda (Wednesday July 02 2003 @ 08:18AM EDT)
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Don't forget to mention that Fat Paul would continually read me the comics from the day's newspaper, and explain the funny parts to me. I sat through that torture for about 3 months, despite the fact that Jeff insisted that I should just tell him to shut up and let me alone.
He also told me stories about his boring family too. I could barely see his eyes, because there was always grease streaked across the inside of his glasses.
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By Alex (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 10:58AM EDT)
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PWPMO most likely are involved in some vehicular activity. A list: Driving w/ your turn signal on for several miles in the left lane on the freeway w/ no way of me passing you. Not using your turn signal at all. Going really, really slow anywhere. Double parking on narrow streets. Not being able to park your car reasonably parallel to the lines in a parking lot. If you're close to my car because you can't park, I'm not afraid to give you door dings w/ my doors because my car is older then a current high school sophomore. Poor parallel parking also drives me nuts, though I understand that for some people this more challenging then high school calculus.
Cyclists riding on the wrong side of the road. I'm a cyclist and this ticks me off. It makes the rest of us look bad because it only takes one ignorant redneck in a pickup truck to lump us all together and subsequently try to run over anything on two wheels. Ride on the right side of the road for cryin' out loud.
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By Vernon G Spot (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 01:03PM EDT)
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In reference to Fat Paul I remember for some reason he ate his lunch whilst taking a sh*t in the mens bathroom one day. I suppose if you only have an hour for lunch and you were gonna "eat up" half of it on the sh*tter, he was killing 2 birds with one stone. But I wonder what he did with the other 1/2 hour? I wish I still had the pics of FP to post, I will try and see if Troda has some, I am betting he does!
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By doctor doug (Tuesday July 01 2003 @ 01:08PM EDT)
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I'm with Alex... Last year I almost wiped out some guy who was riding the wrong way on a 45 mph ONE-WAY street. (Yeah I know I shoulda looked both ways.)
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Enlighten me, Marge
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The most formidable weapon against errors of any kind is reason.
-- Thomas Paine
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We Did Our Job!
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