Fashion Emergency - Blog Day Afternoon Posted by Jeff (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 12:18AM EDT)

Suzi Q likes to say, "What is your deal with horsey shirts?" What can I say?--I like Ralph Lauren Polo shirts. The best thing about that line of clothing is its consistency. I can buy any medium Polo shirt without first trying it on. Sure I could but another brand, but then I'd have to try it on. (Weren't you listening?) I'm a guy. I try on a new shirt five minutes before I have to leave for work and ALL my other shirts are dirty. If she could recognize that I wear a single brand of pants, then Suzi Q would ask "What is your deal with Liz Claiborne pants?" Mark calls them "slacks." He's from Baltimore where they wear slacks and watch the Orioles. That's a little too ghey for my taste. The pants I like are from Liz Claiborne. Again, for the same reason. I can buy any Liz Claiborne 31-32 pants without first trying them on. Did I mention I hate trying on clothes? My size used to be 32-32 which was cool. Then I could say I was a box from the waist down. One more feature I like is this: Claiborne pants have a button right behind the zipper. It helps keep your shirt tucked in. I hate the "poof-out" when the shirt gets undone. Given the expertise I've honed by dressing myself, I've come to an obvious conclusion: I can be a fashion critic. I know what clothes are and I know what I dislike. Without further ado, THE WORST FASHION FIASCOS EVER: Leisure suits My sister has a picture that features my entire family in leisure suits. This is really strange, because I don't remember doing drugs in the 1970s. What the hell we're we thinking? Take a silk-shirt, made from a nice natural fiber, then cover it with butt-ugly patterns, hide it behind polyester outerwear, and you've got yourself a leisure suit, Mister. Parachute pants In the 1980s, American fashion was transformed by a polyester backlash. Tired of leisure suits, people turned instead to INDESTRUCTABLE NYLON. This fashion came and went faster than Sid Vicious when he said, "Let me boot heroin one more time..." But the pants are still around. Remember: THEY'RE INDESTRUCTABLE! Actually, I'm not kidding. If you want to relive this fashion nightmare, check out this website. It features original parachute pants from the early 1980s. The scary thing is this: The largest size is a 44" waist! Outerwear Underwear In the late 80s and 90s, politicians tried to scare us in an effort to increase funding for education. In speech after speech, they basically claimed that our children were morons. Guess what? THEY WERE RIGHT! Around this time, kids started wearing underwear out of their pants. Without serious social study of this phenomena, we will never be able to fully explain it. My guess is this: we spend TOO MUCH money on education. Until kids attend class with underwear on the inside, how can we expect them to grasp simple algebra? God-damn Clogs I knew a woman who wore nothing but clogs. She was strange, quirky, annoying and butt-ugly to boot. Clog woman was married to the boss so I had to pretend that I liked her. She wore clogs with socks so that they would look even worse. Fortunately, main-stream clogging came and went faster than Momma Cass when she said, "Okay, I'll have a ham sandwich..." Stirrup Pants & Big Sweaters Fat chicks love this combination. Instead of looking directly at a fat ass, you get to look at big ol' sweater stretched over a weather balloon. Here's one problem: A sweater can be up to 1/8" in thickness. If you stretch a sweater over your ass, then you didn't make your butt look smaller. You made it look 1/4" BIGGER. My wife has a nice behind. She has NO NEED to wear a sweater over stirrup pants. But if she comes downstairs in that ensemble, then I'm going to make her change it. (in a slurred speech) "maybe its the beer talking Marge, but you got a butt that just won't quit... Hmmm chewy pretzels...*mumbles*....FIVE DOLLARS! Get outta here...."

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By Mark (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 07:08AM EDT)

When did it become acceptable for men to wear clogs?

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By Anonymous (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 07:39AM EDT) Well, um... NINETEEN FIFTY-SEVEN: Earth Shoes [ reply | parent ]

By Mark (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 11:13AM EDT) It was unacceptable in 1957, it is unacceptable today. It looks ghey for men to have an opened back shoe!!!! Can I get a witness? [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 11:37AM EDT) Like the mormons with equally magic underwear, I'm witnessing! (Of course that is why I included it on the original list.) [ reply | parent ]

By Cher (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 09:46AM EDT)

While we're venting, I've got my own fashion beefs: 1. "Business Casual" does not mean sweatshirts and sweatpants or anything resembling these items of clothing. Sweatpants are for the gym - period. 2. Only nurses are allowed to wear white nylons. 3. Open toed shoes require clean feet and well-manicured toenails - no exceptions. 4. If you must wear nylons, skip the sandals. They look stupid with nylons.

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By Mark (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 11:15AM EDT) I have to ask, who thinks business casual means sweatshirts and sweatpants?! [ reply | parent ]

By Cher (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 07:10PM EDT) I work with a small group of women who think "Business Casual" means stuff they can get at Fashion Bug and the Kathy Lee section of Kmart. It's basically sweatpants and matching sweatshirt with flowers and shit glued to it. It's sad. [ reply | parent ]

By Anonymous (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 10:55AM EDT)

Another complaint: Spandex. Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. I would much rather see the stirrup pant/big sweater combo than some trailer park heifer strolling through KMart burning my retinas with her fat ass wrapped up in polyurethane. There should be laws against this stuff...

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By kevin the one armed boy (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 12:09PM EDT) More complaints: - The 'protester' look, AKA damned dirty hippies. Maybe that look gets you one of those coveted positions at Starbucks grinding the yuppie beans but please, wash your freaking clothes and lose the wool hat that smells like Otto's jacket. - Fat guys with untucked dress shirts. FYI - it's not 'slimming'. - Baseball hats in restaraunts. - Cowboy boots anywhere in the Northeast in any situation that does not involve animals with cloven hooves or bovinium cowdroxide. [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 01:06PM EDT) More complaints: - Chicks in an evening gown and a big ol' tattoo on the bicep. - Female mullets - Men who wear nail polish - Members Only jackets. "What are you?--the final member." - Ear plugs. Nothing tells the world that you've resigned yourself to the rewarding field of janitorial services like two big holes in your ear lobes. [ reply | parent ]

By Mark (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 02:03PM EDT) It sounds like Jeff has been at a biker wedding recently. [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 02:21PM EDT) He was at my birthday party. Well not for all of those things, but we had plenty of ladies with tatoos and piercings... [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 02:20PM EDT) Well, the hippy look usually has two classes. The "tourrat", who has been following the Dead or Phish (or some lesser known copy) all season and been living out of their car. They do indeed look like they smell. The other kind, upon closer inspection, do smell nice and are actually clean underneath all that hand-woven fiber (made by exploited Indians in Guatemala). Looks, in that case, are deceiving. This kind, when female, can be quite fun, as they'll probably go for a roll in the back of the VW bus if you've got icy cold microbrews and kind bud. Just realize: while not pretending to be a hippy on the weekend they are playing tennis at the Country Club... [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 11:41AM EDT)

What are "stirrup pants"?

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By Jeff (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 11:58AM EDT) This is the only image I could find on short notice that displays the look in question. Now imagine the model carrying 100 more pounds and an ass the size of Texas. Then replace the long shirt with a long, thick sweater. When that image comes to fruition, bee-line to the nearest trash can and heave... [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 12:09PM EDT) Ugh. I have indeed seen that "look" on fat women. They should just stay inside, unless they are going to the gym. There really isn't good fashion for the fat. [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 03:10PM EDT)

I don't understand the button on the inside of your nerd pants. Does that mean you attach your shirt to your pants? Do you tuck it into your underwear, too? I shop at basically two stores for my clothes. If I need clothes for when out with a girl 18-24, I buy them from Pacific Sun. If I need clothes for dating girls age 25-28, I buy them from Structure. In either case I find the cutest girl at the store, flirt a little, then ask for her suggestions.

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By Jeff (Thursday June 26 2003 @ 03:22PM EDT) "Nerd pants" was your term. I think they're styling. The button is attached to a flap. When you put your pants on, first you button and then you zip. That flap provides additional support below the belt and it helps preserve shirt-tuck. I do NOT attach my shirt to my pants. That feature is unrequired due to the fine performance of my button-flap. I'm not going to comment on your mating rituals.... [ reply | parent ]

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