I recently read that two-thirds of Americans want Saddam Hussein dead-or-alive. The other third want him -- what? -- in a coma? There are only two choices, dead or alive. Okay, maybe Memorex, but that commercial ran so many years ago that its hard to believe he's still in analog. CD isn't a choice. So he's either dead or alive.
The United States governnment isn't sure of the biological state of Saddam Hussein. As we speak they are checking DNA from an obliterated corpse in order to ascertain its identity. As part of an on-going policy to shoot first and ask questions later, the United States recently blew the bejesus out of a convoy of trucks headed toward the Syrian border. Now that the occupants are no longer alive, they figured it would be a good time to see who the hell they annihilated. This is a good policy. When I indiscriminately blow the shit out of someone, I'm usually filled with nagging remorse for fear the victim did not deserved it. It could be a terrorist or -- I don't know -- an Afghani wedding party. I can't afford DNA testing, the United States can.
Occasionally this website is visited by the United States government. While these visitors may be from the Justice Department, most likely they are low-level bureaucrats who are fscking off at work. If these government drones would go through Blog Day Afternoon a little more thoroughly, then they would learn the answer to President Cheney's question: "Is Saddam Hussein dead or alive?" It's a rhetorical question of course, yet Cheney always answers. "I don't know," he likes to say.
In the "links" section of this website, government operatives would discover a path to one of the great websites of our time, Dead-or-Alive.org From that site, it took me seconds to discover the answer to Cheney's question: Yes, Saddam Hussein is still alive. There! Now was that so hard?
I suck at sleeping. In fact, I may be the world's worst sleeper. The problem is this: my mind never shuts down. It pesters me all night long. Last night it asked me this: "Is Jody still alive?" At 4:23AM my mind needed to know if Jody of Family Affair was still alive. That's right, Family Affair, that ghey-assed show with ghey-assed Mister French. Yeah, Cissy was pretty hot, but I was four fscking years old. I didn't have a chance with her. None of this seemed to matter to my brain. It needed to know if Jody was still alive. My brain knew that Buffy over-dosed back in '76. But what about Jody?
Enter Dead-or-Alive.org.
At 4:24AM I crawled out of bed and hit the site with my browser. I couldn't remember who the hell played Jody, which was really odd because I God-damn needed to know if he was still alive. Without a name for which to search, I queried "Family Affair." Here's what Dead-or-Alive had to say to my brain last night at 4:25AM:
