We've got rednecks next door. They moved in about a month ago and immediately set up misquito nests. They placed deep trays on the patio. The trays collect stagnant water, ideal breeding ground for misquito larvae. I tried spraying pesticides, but nothing worked. We still have rednecks next door.
Pennsylvania requires a single license plate on the back of the vehicle. Residents are free to put anything they'd like on the front bumper. Mine says "New York Jets." The rednecks each drive a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Combined these cars are worth less than their living expenses for a single month. Like many Pennsylvanians, they've bolted custom plates on the front of the cars. Each one announces that the driver is a redneck, the plates say "NASCAR."
Yesterday was Fathers Day. The rednecks prepared to visit kin. He eased into in the "good" Oldsmobile while she locked the front door. "Do you have your teeth?" she called to him. "I don't need them!" She was determined. "You should wear them." He sat in the seat and pulled the door handle. "My father knows I ain't got no teeth!" Whump! The Cutlass door slammed shut. (True story)
My wife would never spray for rednecks -- besides, there are plenty of pesticides in Marlboro Reds. She considers them mostly harmless. They're quiet except on Sundays -- "Go Dale, Junior!" -- and Deep Woods Off keeps their pets at bay. Their cars are an eye-sore, but what can you do? Until I see appliances on the lawn, I'll remain quiet.
The redneck is indigenous to North America, but without question the Northern breed is superior to its Southern counterpart. The Northern branch is required to heat its environment when autumn turns to winter and the air grows cold. Rednecks who fail to acquire heat simply die and as a result the herd is strengthened. The same can not be said of Texas or Alabama. In those states, a redneck can survive the winter in a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass.
Jeff Foxworthy must rue the day he developed "You might be a redneck..." He can no longer perform without including the bit. Years from now he'll be opening carwashes before throngs of ten. "If you know the Hooters menu by heart..." But if you're one of those people who just can't get enough of that joke, then his website is the place for you. It features a chat section in which the Foxworthy faithful can submit their own redneck jokes. The interface is really bad but at least the jokes suck. Ditties such as this will break your desire to hear this routine ever again: "You might be a redneck if the back of your trailer has more broken furnature than the inside has unbroken."
Texan Love Song
Words and Music by Bernie Taupin and Elton John
I heard from a friend you'd been messing around
With a cute little thing I'd been dating uptown
Well I don't know if I like that idea much
Well you'd better stay clear I might start acting rough
You out of town guys sure think you're real keen
Think all of us boys are homespun and green
But that's wrong my friend so get this through your head
We're tough and we're Texan with necks good and red
So it's Ki yi yippie yi yi
You long hairs are sure gonna die
Our American home was clean till you came
And kids still respected the president's name
And the eagle still flew in the sky
Hearts filled with national pride
Then you came along with your drug-crazy songs
Goddamit you're all gonna die
How dare you sit there and drink all our beer
Oh it's made for us workers who sweat spit and swear
The minds of our daughters are poisoned by you
With your communistic politics and them negro blues
Well I'm gonna quit talking and take action now
Run all of you fairies clean out of this town
Oh I'm dog tired of watching you mess up our lives
Spending the summertime naturally high
