Quota Schmota The New York Times was again forced to defend one of its young reporters. "Yes, yes, yes. He adds diversity to the newsroom. But that young man has demonstrated profound ability. No, he's not here just to fill a quota. With complete sincerity, I can tell you that Bonzo earned that position."

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Where's Saddam? Sitting arm in arm in Syria, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden have again organized terrorists strikes against American interests this time in Saudi Arabia. United States officials assert that the strikes were organized via conference call chaired by the duo. Also in attendance were North Korea's Kim Jong-Il, Cuba's Fidel Castro, Lybia's Momar Khadfi, and a bunch of sketchy Iranians and Sudanese.

According to presidential spokesman, Ari Fleischer, "those individuals have left us with no option but invasion." He added, "Except for Cuba which has no oil. Oh, and uh, strike bin Laden for now. His pre-mature capture will make it impossible to justify the Saudi invasion. That's not scheduled until the eve of the presidential election."