To feed oneself under Ethiopian drought conditions is an accomplishment. But to do the same in the plentiful West is a simple matter. It is actually more difficult to avoid food. That feat is deemed an achievement by others. They are called models. They are hot. Their anorexic ways and surgical enhancements should be encouraged.

Since food consumption is indeed a trivial matter, vegans have sought to change the criteria by which stuffing food in your mouth is deemed successful. For them it's a matter of savvy menu selection. A proper vegan ignores millions of years of evolutionary progress. Optimum dietary choices reflect menus from the Pliocene epoch, uncooked vegatables and dried tubers. The Pliocene epoch is not marked on the calendars of some contemporary homo sapiens. In fact, for them the evolutionary progression of homos never even occured. These people are called morons. But in the Lower Pleistocene era, an event occured which contemporary vegans want to forget. People started to eat meat.

"But *I* only eat vegatables." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for you. You can feed yourself. Maybe next week you'll learn to wipe your own ass.

The first homo was a homo habilis named Bruce. We know his name because all the early homos were named Bruth, ya silly. Bruce got home from a hard day's work at Mister Slate's rock quarry and asked the dreaded question, "what's for dinner?" Raw vegatables and dried tubers. "We had that last night for the past 2.5 million years! Am I the only one who's sick of raw vegatables and dried tubers?" Nobody answered since they were still Australopithecus afarenises and therefore incapable of speech.

Cousin Brucie flipped out and auditioned for Network exactly 1.8 million years too early. "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" And he smacked a god damn wildebeast with a stick. We know it was a wildebeast because they're the sons of bitches who always buy it first on the Nature channel. He sharpened a rock and opened a meat market. "FUCK YOU Australopithecus afarensis! I'm having meat. Which of you homos is with me?"

Some of the homos came out of the closet and walked onto the savannah, the first of our kind. Australopithecus afarensis continued to order "the usual" for another 600,000 years or so until he faded into history. Truth be known, there appears little to genectically differentiate homo habilis from Australopithecus afarensis. The distinctive difference was the former's use of tools to rip and render animal carcasses.

As you can see, vegans are simply lemmings bent on impeding progress and complicating dinner parties. I'd suggest we send them into the forest without rocks and spears, but they'd last just five minutes without their double mocha soy milk lattes with crushed nuts and chocolate sprinkles. So rather than banishment, I will simply suggest others shout,"FUCK YOU, lemming!" the very next time a vegan boasts of feeding itself.