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Jelly Belly™ Belly-Shirts - Fat People
Posted by Jeff (Monday May 12 2003 @ 09:20PM EDT)
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In college, I worked a job that allowed me to fully utilize the 98.4% of genes we share with common chimpanzees. I made oil-pressure senders. "Place the screw on washer, place the bell on the screw, place a nut on the screw, pull this lever." Bzzzzzzzsssst. [repeat 100,000 times] We were entitled to a break once every four hours so we could enter the cafeteria and eat our bananas. The benefits were non-existent. But at least the pay sucked.
Since I could put oil-pressure sender thingies together in my sleep, I was free to use the additional 1.6% of the genes which separated me from an actual chimpanzee in an effort to become better acquainted with my co-workers. Janice had tattoos on her biceps and smoked Marlboro reds. She liked to wear belly-shirts in order not to hide her prized possession, a big ol' beer paunch. There are two branches of the white trash line, urban and rural. Janice was a member of the former line. She had reproduced at an early age and she liked to enlighten me with parental insight depite my voiced objections.
"I don't like children."
Yeah, when they're young you got to crack 'em so they know who's boss.
"I really don't like children."
My youngest is always testing me. I have to blah, blah, blah...
If there was a god, then she would have smote me from my misery while I was building oil pressure thingies. But it was not to be. Then the middle child in so much as tol' me blah, blah, blah...
In fairness Janice had conveyed some parental advice which has remained embedded in my monkey brain: Before my oldest one is twelve, I'm gonna have to get him drunk.
"Whhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhh?"
The neighborhood kids will pressure him to drink. I want to get him so drunk that he'll never want to touch booze again.
"And you think that will work?" I said with eyes blinking up and down in perfect syncopation.
Well, I plan to make him throw up.
"Don't you think — I don't know — that maybe twelve might be a little young for that lesson?"
Listen, where I live they start young, I've got to teach him before they get to him blah, blah, blah...
I quit the rewarding field of monkey labor before the experiment was completed. But I imagine somewhere in America someone is recounting that story at either an AA meeting or the prison therapist's office. And so it goes. But the real tradgedy is found in the fact that yesterday's white trash fashion has made its way into the mainstream. Jelly-belly belly-shirts are not just for white trash any more.
Too many chicks fail to grasp the central concept of the belly-shirt. This is surprising as the idea is simple: "I have a nice belly, see." Yet with increased frequency the belly shirt is employed to incite road-kill rubber necking. Too many young women prance around like they're carrying a bowl of Jell-O™ brand gelatin. You don't want to look at the bowl, but like a flattened ground hog which promises nausea, you can't help yourself. You gawk and make yourself sick.
At this point people like to say, "there oughta be a law..." While I agree with the sentiment, I can't sanction the proposal. A codified minimum belly tautness required for public belly-shirt usage would indeed benefit society. But for my taste, they are too many god-damn laws. If I were able to enact one law, it would be this: "No more laws!" Under my proposal, if you want a new law, then you must first remove an old one. Given disproportionate amount of attorneys in legislative bodies, my law has NO chance of passage. Since we can't legislate away the problem, at best we can only hope to hope to understand this phenomena. As I see it there are several possible explanations.
- Our children isn't learning. If this phenomena were limited to guests of the Jerry Springer Show, then I'd be inclined to write it off as a trend among stupid fat chicks from Appalachia. Unfortunately, Jelly Belly™ belly-shirts are not limited to that demographic. Despite political scare-mongering designed to lubricate tax hikes and increased government spending, our schools continue to produce quality students. If most children can grasp high school concepts, then surely they can grasp the belly shirt. Collective ignorance cannot claim responsibility.
- Perhaps Jelly Belly™ chicks are actually hot. United States now leads the league in obesity. Maybe these bellies are the best of the best in which case these girls are true to the concept: "I have a nice belly, see." I grew up in the 1970s when a regular french fry was served in a small paper bag. Bellies were smaller, my perspective might be skewed. But popular media provides a standard by which beauty is measured. Super models and actresses look collectively better now then they did then. Their appearances are not characterized by bulging bellies. A shifted standard cannot claim responsibility.
- Road kill rubbernecking has provided unintended positive reinforcement. The Jelly Belly™ chicks catch guys staring at them. While the guys are thinking, "good god! cover that up..." the girls are thinking, "he's checking me out!" Men are allowed to pick on other men. If your gut gets too big — as mine did in 1985, you can expect a buddy to ask, "man, who knocked you up?" But the thought police forbid peer-pressure applied to non-white males. So men gawk in silence at a string dead groundhogs strewn along the road. Jelly Belly™ chicks like the attention, Jelly Belly™ shirts increase in popularity.
In the end, I may be an old fart with archaic ideas. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with Jelly Belly™ belly-shirts and I should simply STFU! According to the Big Fat Blog, "the only thing that's 'wrong' about a fat person wearing a belly shirt is that society sees it as 'wrong'."
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By Mark (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 04:27AM EDT)
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Janice sounds hot!
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By Jeff (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 05:27AM EDT)
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We have new neighbors of the rural white trash line. They each drive an Oldsmobile Cutlass. Both cars were manufactured sometime in the early 1980s. They are "customized" with a NASCAR license plate. The man and his "old lady" enjoy their tobacco products.
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By Mark (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 05:37AM EDT)
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Tobacco usage seperates the urban white trash from the rural white trash. Urban white trash perfers tobacco in cigarette form while the rural white trash perfers a pinch between the lip and gum.
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By Jeff (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 05:51AM EDT)
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The NASCAR license plates were the first determining factor in the classification of this sub-genus.
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By Matt (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 07:16AM EDT)
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I think I deserve credit for suggesting that one new law to you. Although my variation was pass one, repeal *TWO*.
Anyway, I think the "big and beautiful" crowd is just yet another form of victim-hood and absence of personal responsibility infesting our culture. The epitome being, of course, the fat sloths who were suing fast food companies.
Whether it is lazy people who eat to much, substance abusers who won't stop taking a drug, or stupid and lazy people who won't become productive members of society, no one takes responsibility for themselves. Those that prey on others' victim-hood - government and the psychobabble industry being the main two - encourage this behavior. It is a vicious cycle.
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By Jeff (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 09:01AM EDT)
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ummm, so are you for or against Jelly Belly™ belly-shirts...?
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By Matt (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 10:24AM EDT)
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If fat girls want to expose their fat in private, I don't care. I just don't want to see it.
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By Mark (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 10:20AM EDT)
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Matt, I agree with Jeff. Your answer was...? I mean I am down with junk in the truck but the fabby tummy is nasty.
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By SuziQ (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 10:27AM EDT)
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I think you mean in the TRUNK, a truck would hold alot more junk
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By Suzi Q (Tuesday May 13 2003 @ 10:21AM EDT)
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I say if you got it, flaunt it! Some just have too much.
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By Fat Grrl (Saturday March 05 2005 @ 06:40PM EST)
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To Matt,
That is both prejudiced and ignorant to say that fat people do nothing more than eat and lay around. In fact, I can personally vouch for the fact that we are not all like that and there are thin people who lay around and eat all day. A friend I had named Melissa was one of these lazy gluttonous thin people. Even though I had healthy food over at my house and offered it to her, she wanted no part of it and would bring bags upon bags of M&M's over and sit and pound them down and then just lay around and watch TV, whereas I would go for a banana or an orange and suggest a walk which she flatly refused. Guess what? I weigh 220 lbs to Melissa's 120, and because I am a bigger girl everyone thinks I am hungry and lazy, while men fall all over her when in fact she is the hungry, lazy one.
I am tired of the stereotypes of piggish eating in larger women. My size is caused by End Stage Renal Disease (swollen stomach, average size arms, legs, behind and everything else is average size), but I guess since I don't have a Vogue-sanctioned body I'm worthless to people like you and if that's the case then I'm perfectly fine with it because you are probably no prize yourself (and for that matter, the rest of you who criticize others are probably not too gorgeous yourselves)
Guess what I ate all day? An orange, a cupcake, a piece of cheese, a glass of water, a handful of strawberries and a cup of sugar-free,fat-free yogurt! God what a pig I am! *rolls eyes* Now I must go into the bathroom and repenr for eating by vomiting it back up.
And yes, I do wear belly shirts and have a pierced navel. And no, I don't care what you think. I have no problems attracting men. And not in the "dead animal on the road" way
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By Treasure Chest (Wednesday June 15 2005 @ 08:37PM EDT)
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I'm 45 and scrawny - always have been. My best friend from age 13 is large, had gastric bypass at age 39, and is now a gorgeous woman again at 250 lb., 5'9"
Neither of us would consider wearing a belly shirt, and find them distasteful on anyone. Sign of the era and of our ages, I guess!
To me they look like an unfortunate accident - a belly dancing outfit or bikini looks intentional, and thus appealing.
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By Southside Johnny (Wednesday June 15 2005 @ 11:29PM EDT)
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She may be gorgeous, but she still needs to lose another person.
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By emily (Sunday February 05 2006 @ 08:09PM EST)
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when i where bellyshirts and minniskirts boys have sex with me
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Enlighten me, Marge
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The most formidable weapon against errors of any kind is reason.
-- Thomas Paine
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We Did Our Job!
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