My Old Kentucky Home. The 129th annual Kentucky derby was won by a long-shot, nutless wonder from Elmont, New York. Ridden by veteran Jose Santos, Funny Cide tore out of post number five and quickly hugged the rail. Santos positioned his gelding for a strong finish and prodded him with the promise of a lifetime position in the boys choir. The horse responded and took the roses.

It's a rare feat for a gelding to win the roses at Churchill Downs. No testicularly-impaired horse captured the derby crown since Clyde Van Dusen in 1929. While testicular removal helps prevent a horse from humping your leg in the living room, it does eliminate an important revenue stream: Champion Horse sperm. "I'm not worried about it," said Jackson Knowlton, owner of Funny Cide. "There's more than one way to make money on an old horse."

Indecision 2004 George W. Bush's re-election bid took a turn for the worst in the Afghanistan Colony this week. Thousands of Afghanis rallied against the rising unemployment rate, the surging cost of prescription drugs and a tax cut which they claim only benefits the wealthiest two percent. Since its incorporation into the American Empire, the Afghani primary has traditionally been an accurate indicator of general election results.

We have the technology. The results of a program in which three people were fitted with an artificial retina were released this week. The experimental procedure was approved by the FDA and conducted at the University of Southern California. Each implant had sixteen electrodes which stimulated undamaged nerves on the retina. Impulses were carried to the brain through the optic nerve. In each case, the patient's ability to see was dramatically improved. The experiment resulted in a windfall for Hugh Hefner as subscriptions to his Playboy magazine increased by three.

Hell No, We Won't Go! Iraqis demonstrated in the streets of Baghdad this week in what was essentially a call for reform. They demanded that corruption be expunged from their government, that the colony's health care system be improved and that they be granted full civil rights. When told of the protest, president George W. Bush responded, "Hey,why should they have it better than the average American?"

Sic semper Tyrannis President George W. Bush has enjoyed strong support from the National Rifle Association. But that may change as it was announced this week that Bush had planned to extend the 1994 ban on assault weapons. It seems the president was influenced by his long-standing relationship with the gun lobby. Gun nuts like to claim a right to arms as the last defense against tyrants, a message Bush himself has promoted in the past. That all changed this week with a sudden realization. "Tyrants..?" Bush pondered. "Wait a MINUTE, that's me."