Ron Popeil has "invented" a lot of crap for your kitchen. His company markets a small rotisserie oven for a white trash buffet in your very own home. He sells a dehydrator for ridding food of pesky moisture and a sausage maker for people with their own ... I don't know, pigs? Popeil has cured baldness with hair in a spray can. And in 1979, he cured the common zit.
As part of a program to teach mathematics, science and grammar, we were forced to take health class in high school. Part of that instruction concerned skin care. Rather than bore you with detail, I'll summarize the conclusion. I quote, "Douche bag, you're NEVER gonna get laid with a zit on your face." This was not well recieved as I was the Fry Guy at Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers. Enter Ron Popeil.
In 1979, Popeil's company, Ronco, marketed a product named Mr. Microphone. This name was chosen over Mr. Douchebag, since it was a microphone and not a feminine hygiene system. Mr. Microphone plugged into a common radio and turned a common schmo into a sex magnate. As the commercial demonstrated, getting laid was as simple as cruising the street and dictating your intentions to hapless pedestrians. "Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!" Ah, yeah. Chicks dig assertiveness. Zit, schmit. Mr. Microphone was the ticket to a bedroom full of many beautiful ladies.
Skeptics may doubt the effectiveness of Mr. Microphone as a cure for common acne. But I can attest to the fact that I never had a Mr. Microphone yet my bedroom was never filled with many beautiful ladies. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
In the Ronco ad, the guy lurking the streets for babes was perched in a convertible, presumably to help dry his Hair-In-A-Can. If Popeil had placed the ad on contemporary TV, the hapless loser would probably be seen in a Honda Civic with a lot of shit welded to it.
I'm not sure when this happened, but a subset of humans have begun taking Honda Civics and turning them into Honda Civics with a lot of shit welded to them. Since Civics are not noted for their smooth ride, these same humans have started equipping them with low profile tires for added discomfort. Matt tells me this is called "tricked out." I call it BUTT STUPID.
Tricked out Honda Civics are supposed to be race cars. (Well they have a lot of racing decals.) The theory holds that an inexpensive Honda with $20,000.00 worth of accessories can be converted into something with absolutely no re-sale value. On the plus side, the insurance company will provide you with a check for $6,000.00 in the event that your $26,000.00 piece of shit gets totaled. Happy motoring.
I wish I did own a Mr. Microphone. While my wife would frown if I stalked women on the street, that product could serve me well despite a pimple-free complexion. When a tricked out Honda Civic pulls beside me at a street light with loud exhaust and heavy bass. I'd grab Mr. Microphone and shout, "Hey good buddy, THAT'S A FUCKING HONDA CIVIC!!!!"
