Guns Are Cool - Blog Day Afternoon Posted by Jeff (Monday March 24 2003 @ 11:26PM EST)

In January 2002, I was robbed at gun point by two gentlemen from my old neighborhood. In the movies, you frequently get, "this is a stick up!" But my assailants didn't actually say it was a robbery. I just assumed that they weren't asking for the time. I pulled both hands from my pockets with money clasped in my left hand while Butch and Sundance rooted through my pockets. This is an awkward social situation, trust me. They couldn't actually find money in my pockets since I held it over my head. As they reached around inside my pants, I considered the possible conclusions. The end game scenarios in which they came up empty held little appeal, so I pulled my money from its clip and handed it my assailants. It was my contribution to the local narcotics trade. My robbery made the local paper and I have been forced to provide the details on numerous occasions. When that occurs, it is often met with two responses. Those reactions provide some insight into the minds of the listeners. My audience seems comprised of two personalities: right wing nut jobs and loopy liberal crackpots. The former have this immediate reaction: "Too bad you didn't have a gun or you could have killed them." While the latter take this approach: "Now you're not going to hate all black people just because they were black, are you?" For the assurance of my extremist friends, I remain unarmed and I don't hate African Americans. As it turns out, Frank and Jesse's* business model didn't account for the fact that the police aren't completely clueless and their stick up business was eventually forced to file for bankrupcy. In August of last year, I provided sworn testimony at the pre-trial hearing of Frank Devon Cherry. The judge found sufficient evidence to hold him for trial and in December he pled guilty to all charges. More than a year has expired since I donated to the Smack for Stoopid Youth fund and I have just been invited to make a statement at Mr. Cherry's sentencing. If I choose to make a statement, it will go something like this: "It is my understanding that Frank Cherry has not been found guilty by a jury of his peers, but rather he has entered a plea of guilt. This probably means the sentence has already been negotiated which means my statement has little bearing on this proceding. Despite my assumption, I've come to speak my mind." "This whole situation stinks. The judge is going to sentence Frank Cherry to prison. In time, he'll leave that institution stronger and angrier. And for my part, I've become part of white flight to the suburbs. So I will take partial responsibility for some of the crappiness of this situation. But Frank Cherry bears the bulk of it." "We're here today because Mr. Cherry acted like an ass. When I was growing up, if you acted like an ass, you got cracked upside the head. It didn't hurt, but it embarassed you and it made you change your behavior. My feeling is that Frank Cherry has lacked this sort of guidance." "Given that assumption, your Honor, I ask that you do not imprison Frank Cherry, rather I ask that you sentence him to a crack upside the head by me. Oh, and I get to say, 'Stop acting like an ass!' as I crack him. Contact will be timed to correspond with the word 'ass'. And I want one do-over in case it's not one of those 'just right' cracks." "And, uh... I'd like my $50.00 dollars back. I'd like it adjusted for inflation plus 6% compounded interest." "I thank you for your time." * Frank Cherry's business associate will remain nameless in this blog until the charges against him are resolved. But if you must have a name, use this "made up" one: Packariah Grayshawn Blevans.

< Worst Job | Shiney Happy People >

By Mailer (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 07:36AM EST)

I read with intrest until the third paragraph. You may laugh at the far right and or the far left however I see that you have your liberal kiddy gloves on! The last statement you made in paragraph three represents the problem that you point out later in the arguement - the shrinks are setting the tone for our social interaction. Do not buy into the "you have validate" lie. The people that robbed you were black - they were no more from Africa than I am. Do you cry a lot?

[ reply | parent ]

By Tom (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 08:38AM EST)

I think you and society might be best served by letting him do time, and you mentor him while he's in prison. There's a risk of course that by spending time with you, he will become a cynical suburbanite who has difficulty with coffee lids, kids, fat, service workers, etc. who will wreak his revenge on society by incessant blogging. It's a toss-up in my book.

[ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 08:56AM EST)

How does moving to the suburbs make you partially responsible? Do I detect a little bit of "white man's burden" sneaking in here? What's up with THAT?

[ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 09:21AM EST)

Mailer: I assumed (perhaps erroneously) that black people like to be called African Americans. Sometimes I display backlash and refer to myself as German-American, but for the most part issues of race bore me. If you want to be hyphenated, knock your socks off; I'll play along. And yes I do cry. Once a year at the end of every football season since 1970. Tom: That was the nicest thing you ever said to me. Matt: I view white flight a bad thing therefore I've contributed to what I deem as bad. But in order to respond to this, I re-read "White Man's Burden" but that served only to confuse me more.... I do like Kipling, though. Thanks.

[ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 01:28PM EST)

OK, without pulling any punches - why is it a good thing to have white folk in cities?

[ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 02:04PM EST) White flight is usually characterized by the exodous of white upper and middle class people from the cities to the suburbs. For your question to be apt, it should read, "Why is it a good thing to have white upper and middle class folk in cities?" I hope that be rephrasing it I've answered it. You still haven't told me what a poem about imperialism has to do with any of this... [ reply | parent ]

By Matt (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 03:09PM EST) Do you think the phrase "White Man's Burden" ONLY refers to a poem? [ reply | parent ]

By Tom (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 03:21PM EST) I almost posted a Kipling related URL to Matt's Imperialism reference the other day, mainly because Kipling was not writing about British Imperialism in 1899, but the beginning of American Imperialism, specifically the Phillipines policy. http://blogdayafternoon.com/stories.php?story=03/03/20/7963589 I think the reason I would start in 1898 and not earlier for the beginnings of the American Empire, is that although US policy was always expansionist, it was also the case the new lands were to be peopled and brought into the Union via statehood. Starting with Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, etc. there was no expectation of eventual inclusion, rather they would remain foreign possessions administered according to US policy. [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 03:37PM EST) I've been told that I have an opinion about EVERYTHING, yet here I sit on the fence. I see merits in each of the contentions posted by Funkman, Tom and Matt. This is why I counted my Reeses Pieces the first time, I think I count 'em again... [ reply | parent ]

By Mailer (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 02:10PM EST) Jeff, Please address all references to me as Americana-American. As absurd as that sounds, I am sure that a closet liberal like you can rationalize it. Tom, You an intresting light on Jeff. Matt, A better question is, why does feel guilt for being white. Is Jeff Catholic? [ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Wednesday March 26 2003 @ 04:10PM EST) Americana-American, You couldn't be further from the truth.... Yours in God, Atheist-American [ reply | parent ]

By Anonymous (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 03:49PM EST)

Americana American, He feels guilty because we had an incredible little bar and restaurant less than a block from our home and our rent was peanuts. Now we live in a townhouse in the suburbs where the closest restaurants are colorless dives like Ruby Tuesday's and Kalhoun's. Ruby Tuesday's even considers its all-you-can-eat salad bar a selling point. Need I say more? The fact is we left our neighborhood because Frank Cherry put a gun in Jeff's face, and that sucks. It sucks for everyone involved, and no, I don't feel sorry for Frank Cherry. Jeff's wife

[ reply | parent ]

By Tom (Tuesday March 25 2003 @ 04:05PM EST) Just a little local color. You may have never heard of Kalhoun's. You may have heard of Houlihan's. Kalhoun's was a Houlihan's franchise that dropped out and from what I can tell settled on Kalhoun's because all they had to buy was a new "K" for their neon sign. Same font and colors otherwise. No. I don't know if their food is good. [ reply | parent ]

By Wild Child (Friday May 12 2006 @ 12:36AM EDT) jeff's wife you are a nincompoop [ reply | parent ]

By Mark (Wednesday March 26 2003 @ 11:15AM EST)

Jeff, Is this guy really named Frank Cherry? It sounds made up. I am not sure that I would go to the sentencing either, however there is a part of me that would like to force my two cents on him.

[ reply | parent ]

By Jeff (Wednesday March 26 2003 @ 02:07PM EST) His name is Frank Devon Cherry. Through the smarm of this posting, a point was made. The judicial system doesn't really care for the opinions of victims. In the case of Frank Cherry, the sentence has more or less been decided. He didn't waive his right to a trial without something in return. I'll be paraded onto the witness stand in a lame attempt to make me feel better. Quite frankly, the only thing that would make me feel better would be to crack him upside his head. (With a do-over in case the first crack wasn't quite right) [ reply | parent ]

By Mark (Wednesday March 26 2003 @ 11:47AM EST)

Tom, While Kalhouns may not delight the culinary elite I do eat there on occasion because they have Guinness & Harp on tap. To me, Guinness on tap spersedesfood quality.

[ reply | parent ]

By Tom (Wednesday March 26 2003 @ 12:35PM EST) Mark -- I'm glad to hear that. My only point was that you're lucky it wasn't Nuigness and Hark you were drinking. [ reply | parent ]

By Coward (Tuesday November 22 2005 @ 06:44AM EST)

be aler at al times

[ reply | parent ]

By Franziskaner (Sunday February 17 2008 @ 12:56PM EST)

Jeff, fuck hiding animosity towards those guys. By letting something like that go, you are making a statement that says, "hey, it's ok to become a stick-up guy, because White America has to let is go." Grow some fucking balls dude; if not for yourself, than for your family.

[ reply | parent ]

Post a Comment

Name: Email: URL   Remember my information (uses cookies)   I would rather be anonymous Comment: * HTML tags are allowed. * Your email will not be made public. * LINK SPAM WILL BE DELETED!