Apparently Mister Limp Dick is not just for ice cream vendors anymore. In this article, a report by The American Heart Association notes that smoking more than a pack of cigarettes a day will help prevent you from flying full mast. Authors of the study claim it's not the first time that smoking has been shown to deflate a balloon. But their study is unique, they claim, because it is the first to adjust for "important confounders, such as blood pressure, serum cholesterol, and diabetes."

According to published reports, North Korea has developed a new long term economic recovery plan. The backward third world nation has begun acting like a dick since its inclusion into the Axis of Evil. The Korean plan apparently calls for United States nation building inside its country after the resulting invasion.

Dutch researchers anounced last Friday that women who increase their bust size with surgery are three times more likely to commit suicide than women who prefer not to insert pouches of silicon inside their bodies. The study was based on 3521 Swedish women between the ages of 15 and 69 who had their breasts enlarged between 1965 and 1993. Lobbyists for the implant industry immediately chastised the study with claims that it did not adjust for the fact that its subjects all resided in Sweden, a land which can experience nearly twenty-four hours of continuous darkness in winter. My wife has not had a boob job but I would have to place her under suicide watch in those conditions.