Eight Little Indians - Blog Day Afternoon Posted by Jeff (Sunday March 02 2003 @ 12:49PM EST)

The field of Democratic hopefuls is pretty crowded these days. Lieberman, Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt, Dean, Sharpton, Moseley Braun, and some guy named Kucinich have all announced themselves as contestants for "Who Wants To Be President?" The U.S. television audience will decide the winner of this contest by gradually reducing the list to a single candidate who will be allowed to compete with Bush the Younger for the grand prize, an all expenses paid trip inside the beltway past crackhouses and murder scenes to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. This field needs to be pared eventually, let's start right now. If you are like me, then your comfort level is highest with candidates from your region. And if you are a United States citizen, then there is a good chance that you reside in the Northeast, the most densely populated portion of the nation. This allows us to immediately slash the Southerner Edwards and the Mid-westerners Gephardt, Kucinich and Moseley Braun. And then there were four. I can't vote for Al Sharpton because of his hair. He's in the midst of a bad-hair life. Can you imagine anything more disgusting then his pillow stains? He needs a nice big Afro before I can even consider him. And then there were three. Howard Dean is an intelligent and an exciting public speaker. He has been an outspoken opponent to an unilateral war in Iraq which makes him appealing to those who oppose Bush on this issue. But his funding pales in comparison to the remaining candidates and this column is probably where you first learned of him. And then there were two. We haven't had a bald president since Gerald Ford was unelected to the office. In fact there hasn't been a follickly impaired President since the rise of television and its regularly scheduled episodes of "Who Wants To Be President?" While Lieberman has more hair than most men his age, he does not have nearly enough to lead the most powerful nation on earth. Unless he gets a good piece soon, and one of those Elton John pieces not one of those bad rugs-you-joke-about-at-cocktail-parties pieces, then he has no chance. Like Bush the Elder to George Washington on their wedding night, "nah gah na happen." That leaves us with one. John Kerry has everything it takes to be president. He's got hair, charisma and presidential allure. His face is a little long, but that aspect of his appearance will not be fully utilized against him during the primaries. It will haunt him as president when the editorial cartoonists fire with both barrels. Kerry has the tools to win but votes in the Northeast are going to be split between himself, Lieberman, Sharpton and Dean. John Edwards and his hair will capture the South and the Democratic nomination. That will leave me with a choice between two Southerners. On Election Day, I'll exercise the same option I utilized in 2000, I will stay home and watch a hockey game then tune in to the Daily Show's coverage of Indecision '04.

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By funkman (Sunday March 02 2003 @ 08:23PM EST)

All I can say is it won't be Leiberman. You think the Muslim world was mad at the US for a Bible Thumping President. Try a hard-core jewish president. Of course, it would be funny to watch.

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By Matt (Monday March 03 2003 @ 09:04AM EST)

You might want to know that the Democrats' last three presidents have been from the south.

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By Jeff (Monday March 03 2003 @ 11:38AM EST) Which is why I haven't voted for a democratic presidential hopeful in any race but the primaries over that span of time. [ reply | parent ]

By Tom (Thursday March 06 2003 @ 04:50AM EST)

"And if you are a United States citizen, then there is a good chance that you reside in the Northeast, the most densely populated portion of the nation." Density has nothing to do with it. Your chances of living in the Northeast are 19%. Your chances of living in the South are almost double at 35.6%. http://www.census.gov/statab/www/poppart.html

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By Jeff (Thursday March 06 2003 @ 11:33PM EST) Oops, missed a conditional clause, the sentence should read, "if you are a United States citizen, and not a slack-jawed yokel,then there is a good chance that you reside in the Northeast, the most densely populated portion of the nation. [ reply | parent ]

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