 |
|
A Large Coffee, Hold the Ghey - Blog Day Afternoon
Posted by Jeff (Thursday February 20 2003 @ 11:34AM EST)
|
|
If I ruled the world, every coffee purveyor in my realm would be instantly improved. Coffee shops could continue recent annoyances as long as they didn't inconvenience true java heads. As leader of an earthly federation, I would withhold global highway money from every municipality that refused to re-zone its commercial districts to include express black coffee lines in every every coffee shop.
Please, just roast some Kenyan beans, grind them to the consistency of North Atlantic beach sand and run some hot water through the powder. That's it! Hold the ghey. I will NOT be having cream and sugar. Hold the whip cream, the sprinkles, the caramel and crushed fscking candy. I will not be having any flavored syrups or crushed nuts. I don't want my nuts crushed and I sure as hell don't want my coffee shop providing that service. And I didn't even know that "white" had a taste. You can hold that, too.
Starbucks deserves the blame for the popularization of prissy coffee. Until their international emergence, you had to venture far afield to find a ghey cup of joe. Check out this lineup of Starbucks "classics": Caffe Latte, Toffee Nut Latte and White Chocolate Mocha. They don't have a thermos filled with these classics. If the guy in front of you is ordering a Cr�me Frappuccino� Ice Blended Beverage, then you are waiting at least five minutes for your black cup of joe. Get behind five fellows ordering a Toffee Nut Cr�me with extra sprinkles, and you have a potential incident on your hands.
The marketplace is filled with imitators. Once a vendor appeals to Chip and Buffy, all purveyors of that commodity follow suit. Name a car manufacturer that doesn't have a SUV. Now name a coffee seller that doesn't carry a ghey coffee line. Seattle's Best has its own line of candies and syrups, Gloria Jean's sells Cinnamon Nut Strudel and the New England Coffee Co. sells pumpkin spice and egg nog seasonal coffees.
A real coffee drinker doesn't want anything to do with a Cinnamon Almond Macaroon or a Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino. He doesn't want to wait for Chetly's order to be filled. (You know Chetly is going to add a butter rum biscotti AFTER he pays.) A real coffee drinker wants his coffee now! And if I ruled the world, he would get it now. His coffee shop would contain an express order, non-ghey coffee line. And he would order with a simple instruction: small, medium or large. Chetly can wait for his stinkin' Mocha Valencia Grande in a line with the other tinkerbells....
|
|
|
|
By Tom (Friday February 21 2003 @ 08:39AM EST)
|
I feel the same way about anyone buying American coffee when I'm trying to get the barrista to concentrate on my espresso. I know a number who are good and when they see me coming they know the routine. Others have to be talkied through heating the cup, packing the coffee, getting the right muscle behind it for a good seal and drawing for 16-22 seconds for maximum golden crema. And in those 22 seconds someone will try to squeeze in an American coffee -- shouldn't they be self-serve anyway?
Starbucks is guilty of all you say -- but they are also responsible for elevating the presence of premium coffees in the market. And there system is impressive in its consistency - through product, training, machinery etc they produce a good product even at the airport.
Of course I prefer my local espresso bars where everybody knows my name.
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
By funkman (Friday February 21 2003 @ 01:10PM EST)
|
Sounds like someone didn't drink his coffee yet.
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
By Anonymous (Saturday February 22 2003 @ 01:21PM EST)
|
Why do you call it ghey?
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
By Ape Man Hop (Tuesday April 12 2005 @ 11:39AM EDT)
|
Your diatribe is dead on, although I have to say, if you make it yourself at home, you can have it any way you like it and don't have to wait while someone else orders up their steaming cup of teh ghey.
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
By Jody (Thursday April 27 2006 @ 07:35PM EDT)
|
If all you want is a fast cup of black coffee and quickly, why bother with Starbucks prices and meterosexual customers?
Go to the McDonalds drive through.
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
By evilpete (Thursday March 15 2007 @ 03:39PM EDT)
|
Its those same a-holes that came up with the $4.00 cup of coffee that came up with the scam of "Ultra Premium Vodka".
Vodka is meant to be odorless, colorless, neutral grain spirit. It isn't aged or anything complex. Yet, the Yuppies want their Grey Goose Cosmos (mixed with food-service grade cranberry juice) or Stoli Elite Screwdriver (made with boxed orange juice from the gun). Stupid.
Give me Dunkin Donuts coffee and a shot of warm well Vodka, in a dirty glass with a human hair in it. Man up, Nancy.
|
|
[ reply | parent ]
|
|
|
|
Enlighten me, Marge
|
The most formidable weapon against errors of any kind is reason.
-- Thomas Paine
|
|
We Did Our Job!
|
|
|
